If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
It all started with a game of naked twister.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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