Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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