It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
