God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
