Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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