He had one of those small greek statue penises
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
