im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
