Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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