I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
