Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
