My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
