jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
