Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
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