Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
