tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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