Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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