Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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