you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
