your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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