shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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