Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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