I think my fart just growled at me.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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