I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
