Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
