my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She's the barista slut.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
