Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
