I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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