well I can't set my house on fire every night
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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