So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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