the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
