i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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