Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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