When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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