I wanna bring you to show and tell
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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