fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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