theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
