yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
