So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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