so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
