dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
