why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
