Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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