he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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