Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
