If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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