he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
time to smoke my breakfast
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
