I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
