was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
