if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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