you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
