You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Let's get the cat blown out
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
